2003-12-18 - 11:44 a.m.
Getting back to my original intent of discussing food on this page, I submit the following list of badass culinary types in the movies. Badassness, in this context, is wholly subjective, and is determined by a combination of skill and uncompromising attitude. Order is completely random.
1. "Under Siege". Now, this movie would be a stinker, except for the scenery chewing exhibited by Gary Busey and Tommy Lee Jones. Casey Rybeck, as portrayed by Steven Seagal, shows his basic culinary badassness in two scenes. First, he goes completely apeshit when Gary Busey hawks a loogie into the bouillabaisse. This reaction is completely merited, in my mind. Second, as he is locked in the cooler, trying to convince the guard to call the bridge, he says, "Get my pies out of the oven!" Never mind the ship is being taken over by terrorists, don't let the pies burn! See? Badass!
2. "Babette's Feast". Now, you'd think that an Isak Dinesen story about a bunch of uptight Danish Lutherans and their French cook would not exhibit the slightest amount of badassness. I beg to differ. First off, Babette blows ten thousand francs on the ultimate meal. The finest foods and wines available, prepared and served with consummate skill. The guests eat and drink, while she hangs out in the kitchen and doesn't eat any of it. Second, the reason Babette cannot go back is that she's a wanted revolutionary. She drew down on a restaurant full of dinner guests and alienated her clientele, so she might as well stay in Denmark. Babette is a badass.
3. "Vatel". So you're responsible for three days of partying for the visiting Louis XIV. Any failure may well cost you your life. All the lamps break in transit? No problem; use the rinds from the cantaloupes and make lamps. Want to impress a lady? Send her a vase of flowers made entirely of spun sugar. Find out that the King wants you to move to the royal palace and work for him, forcing you to abandon the man you've devoted most of your life to serving, and that you respect immensely? Go to your room and fall on your sword like a centurion. So what if everybody thinks it's because the fish order didn't show up on time?
4. "Tampopo". This movie has too many badass cooks to list properly, but I'll mention a few: the old man who has studied noodles for 20 years. The vagabonds who critique local restaurants and blend their own sake. Tampopo herself. The gangster. Hell, just about every character in the film is some sort of culinary badass.
5. "The Big Night". Two brothers create fine Italian cuisine in 1950s Coney Island, which of course means that they're utter failures. Nobody gets what they're doing. No meatballs with the spaghetti? Preposterous! Of course, the guy down the street who serves Roman back-alley cooking and has strolling musicians is rolling in dough. The two brothers get a chance to throw a party for Louie Prima, and they go all out. After the antipasti, the first course is timpano: handmade pasta and meatballs baked in a pastry shell. One of the guests takes a bite, grabs the chef by the ears and says: "This is so good I should kill you." Now if that's not badass, I don't know what is.
Now, there are some honorable mentions. For example, Jackie Chan in "Mr. Nice Guy" does play a chef, and actually does that noodle stretching trick. The rest of the movie involves badassness, but not necessarily of the culinary type. Unless you want to count that bit with the chile pepper.
Another one is "Warriors of Virtue". Any movie with hyperintelligent kung-fu-fighting kangaroos is automatically cool in my book, but the scene in the kitchen takes it way over the top. Anybody who does a spinning back kick to turn on a water faucet qualifies as a badass.
Anybody got any other candidates?
