2003-07-03 - 1:36 p.m.
I know I haven't updated in a while. Cute stories about my daughter or rambling narratives regarding the minutiae of my daily life will only go so far.
I'm finding myself to be more twitchy and irritable than usual. I'm not getting enough sleep, but that's to be expected. Part of it is that I don't have the same amount of time or money to devote to my usual de-stressing activities. I haven't gone to kung fu class in months. I haven't been in armor since last September, and I don't have the time I need to make the necessary repairs. I haven't done any sewing or research or leatherwork or anything remotely creative since February. My activities consist of the following:
1. Go to work. If I'm lucky, I get to read on the bus.
2. Take care of my daughter.
3. Do housework.
4. Cook.
Admittedly, the cooking is somewhat creative. I've experimented with making bread and yogurt cheese, and I'll occasionally get fancy with dinner. I've written some articles for the local SCA newsletter, so I can't say that I've done no research. But it pales in the face of what I used to do.
Maybe I miss my single life. I love my wife and my daughter, don't get me wrong. But there is a part of me that is very selfish. There is a part of me that wants as few demands and responsibilities as possible. When I lived alone, all I had to do was pay my rent and show up for work. If I wanted to go to a movie, all I had to do was find the money for tickets. If I wanted to leave town for a few days, all I had to do was lock my door and tell my neighbors I'd be out. If I wanted to leave the housework in favor of making myself some new clothes or armor, no problem. If I wanted to stay home and get drunk, that was up to me.
At times, I miss that. I was frequently lonely, my apartment was a mess, and at times I drank more than was good for me, but my life was wide open. Now I face limits, constraints, and responsibilities. I have fewer and fewer outlets, fewer things that feed my soul. I knew I'd have to deal with these things when I got married and when I decided to become a father, but that doesn't keep me from missing my single life every so often. I find myself anticipating that hour alone in the morning, before everyone else is awake. I anticipate naptime, so I can go around the house and do stuff without worrying about the baby. I savor the rare moments I get to myself.
In becoming "Elaine's Dad", how much of my old self am I leaving behind?
