2003-06-12 - 1:39 p.m.
Kind of in an icky place right now. Therapy with my mother is not going all that well. We're getting into questions of debt and obligation and entitlement, and that's never an easy thing with Mom. There's a lot of old stuff being brought up and whacked around, a lot of sparring and guilt bombs and general bad vibes.
I think we have diametrically opposed goals here. Mom has this fantasy of being the matriarch of a large, devoted family that will cater to her and allow her control over every aspect of their lives. I have this fantasy that she'll leave me alone. I don't think either one of those things is going to happen. It is entirely possible that we may not be able to salvage anything, that the therapy is just a waste of time. But what sort of man would I be if I didn't try?
Some of this boils down to different definitions of family. For Mom, family ties are everything. Degree of separation does not matter; if you're family, then you have an obligation to help each other out, or to at least maintain contact. If you're a second cousin twice removed on your grandmother's side, you are required to put my mother up for an extended period should she ever blow through town. She will actually plan vacations around which relatives she can stay with, rather than fork out for a hotel. She doesn't consider it to be an imposition, because she'd do the same thing for them. It's hard to get her to take "No" for an answer, though.
For me, family is a bit more selective. Genetic ties are biological happenstance. If I don't like you, it doesn't matter how closely we're related. I'm going to be somewhat disinclined to do you favors. If we have nothing in common, I won't go out of my way to spend time with you. Growing up, visits to family in Iowa meant spending a lot of time with people I didn't particularly like or have much in common with. I didn't enjoy these visits, and to this day the prospect of traveling up there ranks right up with dental work and stuffing live crawfish down my shorts. My definition of family involves mutual respect and affection rather than shared genetics. I've seen that genetic relationship violated and abused too many times for it to hold weight. I've got friends who have no contact whatsoever with their biological or foster families, who have built up support networks from nothing. They have a fierce devotion to their families and friends, because the relationship is a matter of choice. Writing off a family member is not impossible. I don't want to do it, but if she will not accept that I will not be bullied, then I will.
And speaking of family that I like, my sister came into town last weekend. We had a good time, hanging out and talking and playing with the Professor. Now that we're adults, my sister and I enjoy a much better relationship than when we were kids. There's five years between us, so interacting while we both lived at home was a bit dodgy. As adults, we can interact as adults, and even build a friendship. It was a good weekend.
I'm tired; more later.
